Exclamation Points

Simply put, I have lost my !'s. It happened sometime in the last 3 months. I stopped feeling it, and next thing I knew it was lost. The ! was lost.

My father in law had a gift of using !'s. There were times when we would count up to 20 in a note. He saw life from the glass half full perspective. Very positive. Even when there wasn't much to be positive about.

I use to be that positive. There are moments and days when I feel it yet. But right now, no !'s. I'm looking at life more as a glass tipped upside down, spilled all over the floor perspective.

My son Michael recently informed me that when I don't use an ! in my texts it changes the whole tone of the message. Funny Mike. I understand that. Right now, when I say "I'm coming to see you in Madison." that is how I'm feeling it. There isn't an ! behind the words. Yes, Mike I know it's blah sounding. But more so, it's really sad.

I think the downward spiral started when I realized I was 50. Now that was a few months past my 50th bday. Overnight, everything started going south. I mean gravity set in. Aches and pains are not going away. My brain is mush. I'm doing crossword puzzles for goodness sakes just to keep my synapses connected.

Then stuff just happens. Parenting young kids stuff, our marriage stuff - that sort of thing. I was fighting for my !'s at that point. Keeping my spirits up. But nothing improved. The last straw that caused the cessation of !'s in my sentence structure was having my kids move away. The four big ones. And the special little grandson, Josh.

God never said we weren't suppose to feel our pain. By feeling it though, you can so a bit, lose your enthusiasm for life. In my case, my loss of !'s is indicative of that. As I deal with this season of life, I have cried out to my Father in heaven, "What am I to do with this grief? I'm good with you using my kids. They are yours after all. But what do I do with the pain caused by their absence?" Audibly I heard, "Feel it." Ooooh, but to feel it, I have to feel it. And that hurts. Isn't it easier to deny it? Shove it aside, get busy doing other things? There is merit in doing that, and it is essential at times. Stuffing just isn't a good thing to do. It can eek out at the worst of times.


My Father in heaven is so patient with me. After I throw a bit of a hissy fit, for months at a time, I hear Him say -yeah I'm one of those who think God speaks to her directly- "Ok...time to move on. I've let you kick and cry long enough. Take my hand and let's see what lies ahead." Like a really good Dad, he urges me forward. If I don't go with him, I will get stuck and who knows for how long. Being stuck just isn't living life the way it God intended.

As I find my new normal in life, walking along with my Father, I just might find those !'s again. Yeah...I know I will. For now ~.

Broken Heart

When I was a 19yo, I married and moved away from my family. Far away. Farther than any of my siblings. I left a family where we would enjoy getting together for family dinners. My sibs who all lived within 80 miles of my parents home would come with their kids. Aunt Karen loved to have them around. See there was 7 years between myself and the next oldest sib. The original four are pretty close in age. Then there was me. Those dinners were all the more meaningful to me because of that.

There was no email telling me so, but when God called us away and kept us away, I felt he might keep my own family, my kids and theirs near me. Say an 80 mile radius? It is not meant to be.

How about a 950 some mile radius instead? With that sort of drive, no one is going to be popping over for dinner every week. Not every month. Maybe once a year. I haven't spent any time asking why. To me that's just unnecessary. God sends, you go. But can I have a bit of a pity party?

This really stinks. I have grown to love certain things about Denver, but I'm not in love with Denver. Obviously my kids aren't either. They are all back in the midwest where they started! Of course as my son once pointed out "Mom we came to Denver so we could adopt the girls." Our three youngest. For those of you who know me, this hasn't been a great selling point; but when God says step out in faith, you step out in faith.

We were on track to be young grandparents. Then infertility hit my daughter and it took a few more years than planned. Ok. Now we are blessed with little Joshua and what? Move them away? They lived in a 15 mile radius! Even better! Now they will be the farthest in Madison,WI.

It just doesn't seem fair. There is no lesson to be learned in this blog. No moral of the story. Just hurt. I'll deal. Have to.